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8 Feb 2007

ask alvin about dairy queens, dating a bottom, and getting back with an ex

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where writer Alvin Tan lends a listening ear and dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those misguided gay men and women who need it oh-so-badly.

Dear Alvin,

What are male nipples for since they serve no apparent purpose? UK-based blogger gaybanker wrote on his blog, ''Gay guys, far more than straight guys, get aroused by nipple play'' Is that true? We ask readers to share your experiences in the space below.
The other day I was chatting with someone cute on MSN. When I asked if he had any fetishes, he said he was a "Dairy Queen." I didn't ask him what he meant because I didn't want to appear clueless. We met up subsequently and I'm interested in dating him. But I still have no clue what's a "Dairy Queen."

Help! Help!


Young and Clueless

Dear Young and Clueless,

The term "Dairy Queen" refers to a gay man who enjoys dressing up like the milkmaid from the Dutch Lady Milk advertisement.

I'm kidding, and I also doubt he was making any reference to the popular international fast food chain of the same name.

It actually refers to gay men who love to suck on nipples - although they are also known, rather unkindly, in some circles as "Unweaned Queens."

Dating a Dairy Queen could expose your petite protrusions to anything from light licking to tiny bites, gentle tugs to hardcore tweaking etc. If you enjoy nipple play, it would be a match-made-in-homo-heaven.

Some parting advice: Dating a ravenous Dairy Queen could leave you with perpetual nipple hard-ons or de-sensitised nipples. Worse, dating an inexperienced (but still ravenous) Dairy Queen could leave you with wounded nipples if he starts munching on them as if he was chewing betel nuts.

Lactose Intolerant,
Alvin Tan

Experts say: "Sex researchers Masters and Johnson, who made 1960s history by inviting heterosexual and homosexual couples into their research rooms and watching them have sex, were struck by how nipple play marked the difference between homo and hetero sex. Nearly 75 percent of the gay couples Masters and Johnson observed began their lovemaking by nipple stimulation, with frequent penile erections resulting." Read more at homohealth.org.

I really really like this guy. We went out for a couple of weeks and enjoyed each other's company very much. But we recently found out that we're both bottoms! My friends tell me that I should call it off. I'm very upset and confused. What should I do?

Hit Rock Bottom

Dear Hit Rock Bottom,

Let me share with you a long-standing joke in the gay community:

Q: What do two bottoms do in the bedroom?
A: Hair and make-up.

Insensitive joke aside, there are two differing views to your dilemma.

There are members of the gay community who hold the view that a relationship will only work if it comprises a top who's the "penetrator" and a bottom who's the "receiver" during sexual intercourse. If you mention your situation to them, they will brand you a "lesbian" (no offence to our Sapphic Sisters). Then again, do you really care what these naysayers say when they tend to be bedroom bores with their stick-to-the-routine sex?

On the flip side of the coin, there are members of the gay community who think that there are more ways of achieving sexual fulfillment than just anal penetration. To them, it's possible for two bottoms (or for that matter, two tops) to have an enduring relationship. All that's needed is a vivid imagination, a sense of adventure and of course, a double-headed dildo.

Blessed With A Beautiful Bottom,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

S and I used to be together four years ago before I broke off with him which hurt him real bad. One year later, I realise that he's the perfect one for me. From then till now, all the guys I've dated failed to meet up to my expectations (perhaps the benchmark I have set is S).

Yes, I seriously want him back desperately because he's everything I'm looking for (I know him inside out). Just one month back, he just broke off with his bf of two and a half years. I was overjoyed although he still loves his ex lots.

S knows that I've been waiting for him for the past four years but the timing wasn't right. It's either I'm attached or he's attached. Friends have reminded me the past is past and that the feeling of getting back together will be different. But I chose to ignore them.

I want him back.

Enlighten me please,

p.s. We are very good friends still.

Dear M,

Let me get this straight: You broke your ex-boyfriend's heart, threw away a long-term relationship, went for fun-rides on the dating merry-go-round, realised he's the best person for you, became "overjoyed" when he broke up with his boyfriend, and now you want him back "desperately."

Honestly, given your behaviour, I have no idea why your ex-boyfriend hasn't welcome you back with open arms.

Now, assuming that your ex-boyfriend still loves you (and that's a BIG assumption), you would probably need to grovel, admit that you made a big boo-boo back then and shed some copious tears - in other words, just do what Bill Clinton did during the "Monicagate" scandal.

Then find an appropriate time to speak to him, let him know how you really feel and more importantly, how wrong you were. Tell him everything you want to say and everything he needs to hear - but try not to pressurise him into making a decision or you may run the risk of getting him to agree only because he's on the rebound.

However, the crux of the matter is not whether you want him back - it's whether he wants you back at all. Here's a hint: There's a reason why you are now "very good friends" instead of "boyfriends."

Expert Exorcist of Ex-Boyfriends,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.


1. 2007-02-08 19:50  
I dun mind getting milked anytime! =)p
2. 2007-02-08 20:12  
goood to see u back alvin!!! :P
3. 2007-02-08 21:05  
Dear Alvin,

I TOTALLY agree with you ! Two bottoms can definately have great fun TOGETHER! Anyway most of the tops (so called) i date well..... are better off being bottom . Really . And one more thing it is never too late to be educated and to learn; I am a true blue bottom but recently had great sex with another very sexy and hot bottom ... and yes i did anal with him and wow never knew being top was so fun ... i couldn't get enough of 'humping'. It was really a new eye-opener for me and yup i will sure put my new found skill to use !

4. 2007-02-08 21:55  
yeah! wonderfully, my oerogenous zones are my nipples... *blush*
5. 2007-02-08 22:09  
Same here. A big part of foreplay (whether solo, couple or group) for me.....
6. 2007-02-08 22:35  
what type of nipples gay men like?

big and black?

sensitive or insensitive?
7. 2007-02-08 22:36  

is true that bottoms are better lovers?

tops all very selfish right?
8. 2007-02-08 23:52  
I read wrongly! I thought i saw Diary Queens!

Was wondering what it has to do with writing daily experiences...hmm!
9. 2007-02-09 00:06  
my dear jason (jasion1983)...aren't u slapping yourself???
on one hand is your assertion that 2 bottoms can hv great fun together while on the other, when u had sex wif that bottom partner of yours, weren't u the TOP in that respect??
when we say 2 bottoms having sex it simply means both must stick to their roles. If one tops the other it is no longer "lesbianism" ok??
10. 2007-02-09 00:15  
Oh look. Guess my eyes weren't crossed after all...its Diary Queen... must be a compulsive blogger...! Hardly sensual at all!
11. 2007-02-09 09:05  
In the US, "dairy queen" also means someone who's into white guys. Go figure.
12. 2007-02-09 09:28  
hey , you dont have to be a dairy queenie to enjoy nipple play ...I think its really beautiful and sexy ....its even better if the one who gives enjoy as much as the one who receives ...but a good nippling means a good appetiser to start the main course ...and its even better taken simutaneously during main course ....talking abt multi-tasking lol

hello , what type of nipples PLU likes ? I guess its individual preferrence ...
13. 2007-02-09 09:34  
well ...many roads lead to Rome lah ...so are ways in stimulating each other ...while I have not experience a btm btm relationship ...I believe that btms can understand btms better and perhaps more sensitive in foreplay etc .....well even in hetero world ..there is something call none petration sex , isnt it ?

I think if you know how to massage , kiss, touch, feel, finger , suck and lick the right point at the right time ...I think you can enjoy as much ...dont you think ?
14. 2007-02-09 09:45  
WELL! Ya learn something new every day here on Fridae! :P
15. 2007-02-09 10:10  
love it :-)
16. 2007-02-09 10:33  
17. 2007-02-09 11:05  
If it becomes too difficult, just call me! I'd be willing to let you or your partner take out your frustrations on me. Two bottoms together....what a terrible waste!
18. 2007-02-09 12:41  
Thanks for the definition. I learned something new today. :)
19. 2007-02-09 12:48  
Hey, I always believe, it takes a good BOTTOM to be a perfect TOP. Here I said it.

You just need to exploit of the posibility of sexual advanture, don't be just stuck in on way, bottom or top. It is very boring. :P
20. 2007-02-09 12:55  
Thank you Alvin for knocking some sense into this poor soul. Dear M , you need to move on and get a life. If he is still interested in you, he already let you know long ago.
Learn from your mistake, next time think, value, and eveluate your relationship before you trash it. Remembered grass is always greener on the other side. :)
21. 2007-02-09 12:59  
P.S. I still Cherish mine after 10 years. We still very much in love with each other like the first day we met.... Still in love.
22. 2007-02-09 13:59  
I learned the name for something I love to do!
Go figure, who knew it even had a name?
Ouch, not so hard, honey!

23. 2007-02-09 15:51  
yeah alvin...it's great to see you back. I was thinking about you just last week, wondering where you went...... Your light-hearted, fun-loving connection with us who write in with our problems is a breath of fresh air in our sometimes not-so-gay world.
24. 2007-02-09 16:41  
LOL! Wlecome back Alvin!

My firends and I always enjoy your article!
25. 2007-02-09 16:46  
agree with caesar and the rest - fridae was becoming quite boring - trevvy is catching up - but good thing alvin and his jokes are back!
26. 2007-02-09 17:45  
I'd prefer sensitive and medium size nipples.
27. 2007-02-09 19:14  
Alvin you are back! I am desperately waiting for your columns for a long time!
28. 2007-02-09 21:14  
u got me wrong akasha3000 i do agree that it is possible for both bottoms to have great fun together . However it is always nice to discover that one can actually be verstaile as well. What i am trying to say is the most important thing is CHEMISTRY. If your partner turns u on well the question of whether or not he is bottom or not doesn't matter ... sex will find its' way.
29. 2007-02-10 02:45  
Learned something new. :)
30. 2007-02-10 02:48  
haha, I would not date a bottom...

I think there's a sensible solution to whether or not two bottoms would work out. Are they the stereotypical bottom/submissive type? Two stereotypical bottoms will not work. However, if both just like bottoming for pleasure, it might work..
31. 2007-02-10 06:20  
Interesting. I never knew it had a name. Nipple play is always something I enjoy both giving and receiving. Now for me I also like to lick my partners ears - is that aural sex? What about my insatiable desire to lick their armpits (armpits have always been very erotic for me. Even just to see a mans armpit hair can send me into spasms of ecstasy), what can we call that - axillant? And then there's the navel - I suppose we can call that sea-sex?
I suppose all up that makes me an oral masseue?
32. 2007-02-11 09:51  
I loooove nipple play !

Nipples are created to make life easy for men ... softly touching it, gently tweaking it and gradually pinching and pulling it harder and harder ... and watching my partner sighing with pleasure ... never fail to give me a raging hard on ... :))
33. 2007-02-11 15:21  
Hilarious as usual :-)! Love it !
34. 2007-02-13 14:06  
I've never heard the term dairy queen used for that before, so I can't help thinking that Alvin is making it up! But I think it's a good definition so I did a posting in my blog about it :-)


GB xxx
35. 2007-02-13 21:11  
Perhaps the term for gay men who enjoy getting their nipples sucked would be "Udder Queens"?
36. 2007-02-14 00:08  
Good to know that!

Not sure I am a "Dairy Queen" though, even I like playing nipples and enjoyed being sucked. I guess I am all right, not that extreme.

Thank you for the information!
37. 2007-02-15 09:34  
nipples sucking really will make a better sex....it will increase ur sensibility and bring u to a higher level
38. 2007-02-17 12:53  
Go Alvin! Glad to see you're back. Poise(I assume you have great poise), wit & good looks, we can't do without you. In fact, we want MORE.
39. 2007-02-17 22:00  
I'm 49 now. When I was in my twenties, terms like "top", "bottom", "active", "passive" were not commonly used. I had more then ten (10) years of my best sex without even thinking of having anal intercourse. And I had many partners in those years ! Now, I enjoy anal sex too, but regularly I feel left empty after a just " fuck-and-shoot" session. Besides, that "fuck-free" sex just might have kept me away from AIDS those days in the '80-ies.
steve prasat, Brussels
40. 2007-02-21 10:32  
I love Alvin - his replies, that is.

Amidst the hilarity are strewn sharp ascerbic observation of human failings - in both camps!

Hooray for Alvin
41. 2007-02-22 22:55  
Dear Alvin

I am in a diffcult phase of my life; a defining one. I guess mine should be a common problem with alot of gay pple out there.

The problem is i can't decide whether to be gay or straight! I know i like guys and get turn on by them but a the same time, in all due respect, do not one to be gay cos i do not want to hurt my family especially my mum. I am trying to be straight by dating a gal. I am trying to be straight and want to be straight. But some how i do not seem to be excited with her. Partly, because she may not be pretty enough to turn me on. or it may be due to her conservative pesonality.However, she is becoming like a shield so that i look normal and make my family happy. I felt so bad when my extended family members found out that i finally have a girlfriend. I know i should not make use of her but i just don't know what else to do.

I hoping to date pretty gals and hopefully get turn on by her and become straight and faithful to her. Do u think its possible? BtW i still like to watch petty gals but also hunky guys...SIMPLY CONFUSED. PLS ADVICE....
42. 2007-02-26 01:34  
I find it funny that the initials of the couple in question are "S & M" :)

That aside, I was pretty much shocked and devastated after I was the one who was "thrown away" after 14 years. I felt empty and abandoned and although I am doing better and getting over it, I still can't shake the feelings of anger and resentment for the hurt and disruption in my life.

I'm glad that M has realized what he had was good and what he wanted, but the ex might not want to worry about "what if this happens again?" or "how can I trust him again?".

They are probably still good friends because they know each other so well. M can be hopeful of a reunion, but should be ready for a possible let down.
43. 2007-03-02 14:21  
I've never been into nipple play....does nothing for me.
44. 2007-03-27 19:35  
It's a mindset that majority will be unable to accept, I guess... So this becomes your own mental obstacle that either you overcome or not.. Sadly, most can't. We have been given 'labels', why, 'label' ourselves even more?? Bottomline is that both of you guys must be happy with each other... Others are just irrelevant!
45. 2007-03-27 19:38  
It's a mindset that majority will be unable to accept, I guess... So this becomes your own mental obstacle that either you overcome or not.. Sadly, most can't. We have been given 'labels', why, 'label' ourselves even more?? Bottomline is that both of you guys must be happy with each other... Others are just irrelevant!
46. 2007-04-28 00:20  
wellz, if a 2btm relationship is hard... how bout a 2top realtinoship?? i think that's even harder!! :P
47. 2007-06-12 19:33  
mmm... still don't understand why people can't call it for what it is.
48. 2007-06-29 00:40  
hi Alvin,
I am a secret gay. Only 2 guys know that I am a transvestite gay. One of them has lost contact with me. So only one guy is left. I act and dress like a normally man daily.
I hv sex with the other guy occasionally. Of course I always play the female role.
however, it is such a miserable hypocritical life. Wish I am daring enough to be my real self. However I can't take the shame, if people I know finds out my secret. Any advise, before I grow crazy.
49. 2009-02-21 16:34  
Of course it can work with two bottoms. Some of the best sex I've had were with another bottom. You really get to experiment and explore with each other. It can seem a bit awkward especially when you take turns topping each other but it actually ends up being fun.
50. 2009-03-26 22:11  
Wait... I always thought a "Dairy Queen" was a non-Caucasian man who liked to date exclusively (or nearly exclusively) Caucasian men. At least, my ex proclaimed himself to be a dairy queen and this is what he meant. Kinda like "Rice Queen" etc...
51. 2009-11-16 13:20  
yeah that's what i thot too... nipple play on the other hand is the more correct term to use.. and what's with some boys out there who claim they are into nipples but when it comes to the real stuff, they dont know nuts!




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