30 Dec 2005

ask alvin about cheaters, boyfriend's porn and late bloomers

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where Alvin dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those who need it oh-so-badly.

Hi Alvin,

I have been with my boyfriend for close to two years now. We met each other in a chat room when he was studying in Australia. We started a relationship and he even flew me down to meet him. Things however started going downhill since he came back last year. Whenever we quarreled, he would say that I am too controlling.

We seldom have intimate sessions. He always pushes me aside when he's not in the mood. But then I would catch him online, having cyber-sex and showing off his naked pictures to strangers. When I confronted him, he said: "No. I am still sexually attracted to you and still want to do it with you. But I just can't do it with you." What does he mean by that?

The last straw came when I caught him in bed with another guy. How could someone who claims to love me do these things to me? We broke up after that. But things have not been easy. His family members know about us, and his mom always asks me to forgive and forget. I can forgive but how do I forget?

My boyfriend was in bad state after our breakup. He cried a lot and tried to win me back. Call me stupid, but we got back together. I really do love him. After this incident, he was nice to me for a couple of weeks but things went back to the way they used to be. I have now come to terms with the death of sex between us, but sometimes it's frustrating that I have to jerk myself off when I have a boyfriend.

Close friends have been telling me to leave him, but the thing is I simply can't. I don't know why. My boyfriend knows this and I think it's the main reason why he behaves this way. What would your advice be on this? I know that he loves me deeply too, but he's just not ready to commit himself fully.

Ever So Depressed,

Dear TJ,

Let me begin by asking you a question: "Are you sure you are not Hilary Clinton?"

It is most strange that you can continue to stand by your man after you caught him in your marital bed with another guy and after he repeatedly refused to satisfy you sexually! The only reason I can think of is this: You're Helena to his Demetrius (read A Midsummer Night's Dream) - and no matter how he cheats on you or starves you of sex, you will always come a-running, a-forgiving and a-spreading when he calls.

Let's tackle the problem of why your boyfriend refuses to have sex with you. There are a number of possibilities: firstly, your bedroom skills are utterly appalling; secondly, you are either both tops or both bottoms; and finally, it may be a case of too much of the same dish (however delicious) can put off even the most hungry of diners. Without more details, it's impossible to pinpoint the exact reason.

Personally, I would advise you to voraciously devour gay sex manuals and brush up your sexpertise. Alternatively, you could be a man for once and demand that he puts in more effort in the bedroom. Do what any bossy top or bottom would do and tell him point blank: "Look you selfish (insert expletive), you're in this relationship to service me and I want sex NOW!"

As for how to deal with your philanderer of a boyfriend, you could share with him your expectations of the relationship and work towards achieving a compromise. You could then remind him occasionally to honour whatever arrangements you have set up to make the relationship work. But I seriously doubt that this approach would work.

You should instead adopt the sensible (but long overdue) option of hardening your heart, ignoring his groveling and putting an end to your relationship. Your boyfriend has already shown that he's unable to change, so now the onus is on YOU to change if you really wish to stop being miserable.

And what you have to change is really simple: Stop being his bitch and get on with your life.

A Hard-Hearted Harlot,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

I'm a straight woman. Recently, I moved in with my boyfriend. We're been together for more than two years. The reason I'm writing to you for advice is because I'm bothered by his behaviour.

When we watch TV, I noticed that he would only look at the guys. The same thing happens when he flips through my fashion magazines. Once I was using his PC when he's out and realised that he has been visiting Japanese gay porn sites.

The other day I was packing the room and found a gay porn magazine hidden amongst my boyfriend's stack of motor magazines which I never previously touched. Is my boyfriend gay? Should I confront him and asks if he's gay?

Sad Straight Girl

Dearest Sad Straight Girl,

From one woman to another, let me say that it is not unusual for straight men to check out other men - especially if they look like me. However, from one woman to another, let me also add that it is not only uncommon but highly suspect for straight men to frequent gay porn sites and have gay porn stashed away secretly - unless they are of the lesbian variety.

When presented with your sad situation, most kind-hearted advice columnists would advise you to "open the channels of communication" and "have a heart-to-heart talk" with your boyfriend. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I'm far from kind-hearted and would instead advise you to adopt an insidious but far more effective approach.

For your upcoming sexcapade, incorporate a dildo into your lovemaking. No, you are not to use the dildo on yourself - but rather on your boyfriend - then scrutinise his reaction. If he is utterly disgusted with your anal probe, then it could all be a misunderstanding (or he could be a pure top). If he lets out an involuntary "Give it to me daddy!" at the mere sight of the dildo, then your worst suspicions are confirmed.

Having said that, you did not mention whether the both of you enjoy a sexually fulfilling relationship. If you do, then there's a third (and most likely) possibility that your boyfriend could be bisexual. And if that's really the case, the question you should be asking yourself is not whether your boyfriend is gay or straight, but whether you are able to accept a boyfriend who is bisexual.

Your Personal Gay Detector,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

I really enjoy your witty and practical advice… I'm a late 40-something guy with a rich Indonesian girlfriend who is pressuring me to marry her. She's very caring and loving. However, I've joined Fridae just recently and am now puzzled by my own sexuality and preferences.

There was a guy whom I got acquainted online and decided to meet up. In the end, it was a no show. Of course I was very disappointed... I was hoping to check whether I'm really an uninformed gay or really a straight.

When we chatted online... I was so bitchy and flirtatious. I never did that with my girlfriend. I'm beginning to feel that all along I may have treated my girlfriend more like a sister…

What do you think? She's visiting me this holiday season and I'm thinking of breaking off with her. I know it's very unfair to her especially when I myself at my age am still a ding-a-ling! Any comments from you will really help.


Dear Crossroads,

What do I think? I think you're neither an "uninformed gay" nor "really a straight." You're a closeted guy who's suffering from a case of man-hots now that you've discovered the alluring world of Fridae's profiles. While you're at it, you may wish to check out my profile at (information deleted by embarrassed Editor).

With regards to your sexual orientation, my advice to you would be to come to terms with your homosexuality and embrace your inner flirty fag. In my opinion, you do not need to meet up with gay men, have sex with them (protected please) and then decide whether you are straight or a raging homosexual. That's just an excuse for what you already know.

As for choosing the "right" time to break the news to your girlfriend, I would generally advise everyone to avoid breaking up during major holidays. Otherwise, your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend will associate that particular holiday with the day she heard the Devastating News and fall into a bout of depression whenever the festive season draws near.

However, since your girlfriend happens to be from another country, you may wish to break the news to her before she leaves for Singapore and save her the lonely trip back. You could either give her a long-distance call, write her a heartfelt letter (speedpost please!) or send her the URL to this column.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself for being a "ding-a-ling" and coming to terms with your homosexuality only in your late 40s. As the saying goes "It's better late than never." Look on the bright side of things, you may lose a potential wife, but you stand to gain a fag hag - that is if she forgives you and doesn't decide to curse you and your ancestors.

Good luck.

Your Festive Fairy Godmother,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.