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28 Oct 2005

ask alvin about dirty water polo, heartless bastards and faithless floozies

Welcome to Fridae's monthly advice column where Alvin dispenses his own unique brand of advice for those who need it oh-so-badly.

Hi Alvin,

I'm confused about something. Hope you can help. I play water polo for my junior college and I have a very close friend on the water polo team. We are not in the same class but we study together and hang out after school on days we have no training. All seems fine except during water polo training. When we are in opposing teams, the problem starts.

He plays dirty and likes to pull down my trunks or grab my balls underneath the water. He's my good friend so I never cry foul but it's very discomforting. Sometimes when he grabs my cock, I will have an erection and find it hard to focus on the game. Sometimes he'll squeeze my ass in the shower room when my teammates are not looking.

I'm bigger in size than him but I feel intimidated when he does such things. Is my friend gay? What should I do?


Dear Waterboy,

Pardon me while I fan my flushed cheeks - for I have never read anything so sexciting in any of the emails to my advice column! From your description of what goes on during a water polo match, it's a wonder why there aren't more gay men flocking to sign up for water polo training!

Now that I've regained my composure, let's move on to your predicament.

If trunk-pulling bothers you, don't wear trunks. If balls grabbing bothers you, wear a spiky balls-guard. If having a hard-on while playing water polo bothers you, then think of erection deflating thoughts (try David Hasselhoff in tan-through trunks). And if some ass squeezing in the showers bothers you, shower in a cubicle or let out an underwear staining fart whenever he grabs your butt cheek(s).

Regarding your friend's sexuality, there are a few possibilities: (a) He's gay as can be; (b) He's gay and he's trying to verify if you're too; (c) He's just going through the usual hormonal cycle that every young pubescent boy goes through; or (d) He's ultra-competitive and will resort to "under-handed" means to win the game.

I would go for either (a) or (b). But to be able to give a truly accurate answer to your question, you should email me ALL the details of your water polo training sessions so that I can make a personal trip down to the pool and provide an objective assessment in the capacity of an independent underwater observer.

The Mermaid Ariel,
Alvin Tan

Hi Alvin,

I met a guy from Fridae. And we got hit off pretty fast. Soon after we met, we became a couple and had sex. But he has been ignoring me for a week. He ignores my sms-es n calls completely. I don't know what happened and it's rather depressing because he used to treat me really nice and sweet. His change of attitude is also rather sudden.


Dear Troubled,

I will now share with you my totally unscientific theory: there's a "bastard" gene which lies dormant in every man - especially heartless gay men. The "bastard" gene can surface at any moment and in your case, it did after you "became a couple and had sex."

The appearance of the "bastard" gene can be traumatic firstly because they can show up without prior notice (much like unwelcome ex-es at your private orgy) and secondly because you fail to understand how someone can change so suddenly from being a caring cock to a block of cold concrete.

To shed some light on your ordeal, permit yours truly to quote Shakespeare: "Men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives." In plain English: "Your honeymoon period is over sweetie."

Having said that, your "bastard" of a "boyfriend" should at least have the decency to be upfront and honest about his change of heart (assuming he has one) and bring the relationship to an end. But since he didn't, you need to give up your expectation for some sort of "closure." Stop calling him and stop sending him sms-es - unless they are threatening ones of course.

You need to accept that you were probably just a piece of man meat to him and then get over it. The most gracious thing you can do is to learn from this, remember how awful it feels and swear never to do what he did to you onto someone else.

Your Sister In Suffering,
Alvin Tan
Dear Alvin,

I'm utterly in love with my girlfriend who is younger than me and for whom our relationship is her first. We have been together for slightly over a year and have gone through many trying times. Against all odds, we've managed to stay together and grow stronger. We're both in our early-mid twenties but unlike her, I just want to settle down with her. Problem is: lately she's been more and more attracted to other girls.

I've also gained a few kilos since we first met and I'm not going to be able to shed them instantly. She has just told me that she would like to try dating someone else - because if she doesn't, she'll always wonder about it. She tells me she still loves me and doesn't want to break up yet (not till she finds out if she would be happier with someone else).

I can understand that it is difficult to decide to commit for life (as I am prepared to do) when you've not had any past experiences. I love her still and want her to remain with me, but I don't know if I can handle knowing I'm just on reserve/standby for her.

I told her she can try dating others but once she sleeps with someone else, we're over. It's only been 24 hours since that conversation and I'm regretting it. Is it unreasonable for me to expect her to want to only have me for the rest of her life? Is it unreasonable for her to expect me to wait for her? What should I do? What would you do? Help.

Yours truly,
Hopeless Romantic & Stuck

Dear HRS,

It is clear to any third party that the both of you have very different expectations of what being in a relationship means. You expect your partner to settle down to a life of domesticity and wear a chastity belt to which only you have the key. Your partner on the other hand is hardly ready to enter into an exclusive commitment with you and would, in fact, like to sample more tits and ass.

To make matters worse, your girlfriend is a faithless frisky floozy - she wants to have her cake and eat it. She is selfish in wanting you to wait for her while she plays with other pussies and utterly disrespectful of your feelings by telling you that she does not want to break up until "she finds out if she would be happier with someone else."

However, you are not totally free from blame either. After all, you are foolish enough to put up with her nonsense and even more foolish to continue to make up excuses on her behalf! Having said that, don't put yourself down. You are one of the rare few individuals who still believe in being committed to your partner for life - and that's commendable (cue: collective sigh from the lesbian community).

It's just unfortunate that your girlfriend doesn't share your beliefs. To be honest, you have done all you can to make the relationship last (except to slap some sense into your girlfriend). Now it's really up to her to refrain from dating or engaging in sexual sexcapades with other girls - especially if her partner - that's you - makes it known that she values monogamy, commitment and exclusivity.

My advice to you would be to make sure your girlfriend understands that there are boundaries in your relationship and that there are real repercussions if she crosses these boundaries. More importantly, you will have to show some backbone and make sure that your ultimatums are not of the "valid-for-24-hours-only" variety.

For a more extreme preventive measure, you could always consider migrating with your girlfriend to parts of the world where adultery is strongly discouraged - namely, in countries where women who commit adultery are buried up to their breasts and stoned to death.

Your Marriage Counsellor,
Alvin Tan

Do you seek deliverance from your problems with your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ one-night stand? Do you spend sleepless nights wrestling with your sexuality or sex partner? Then email your queries to Ask Alvin at editor@fridae.com and have your burdens lifted by Alvin. We regret that we're unable to respond to letters personally.

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